Monthly Archives: October 2014

Anxiety, Oh How I Hate You

Standard
Anxiety, Oh How I Hate You

It has been two weeks since I binged last which is great for me, the new meds are working for now (thank goodness). My problem is, I have to have an operation on my knee this week and I drink energy drinks and im trying to cut down ( I also need to cut down on them) Ive been doing it gradually and have been doing great untill I got down to my desired amount, now my mind thinks im trying to torture it. I no longer have a calm mind, even meditation doesnt work

I decided toturing myself wasnt the best way to go about it, so I and alittle extra today and see if I can restart the process again tomorrow

Why oh why do we torture ourselves so much ….

Hello? Is there anybody in there?

Standard
Hello?  Is there anybody in there?

Sometimes that is how it feels inside my mind, but I wouldn’t say its due to the medication, it seems like Ive always been like this, lack of focus, lack of concentration, I wouldn’t say a complete lack of motivation, because im very motivated to clean the house or go out. Its the inability to focus or concentrate that annoys me.

My family have always found it weird that in the middle of a movie I can get up and leave the room and not return for the ending, or even be interested in how the movie, TV show etc ended. Im 45 years old and I want to get my learners permit to drive a car, I started reading the booklet 4 weeks ago and was so interested in studying for it, I put the booklet down and cant seem to pick it up again. The last book I read took me 3 years to finish, I LOVE reading but it seems like there is some invisible wall stopping me from doing something I love or want to do. I told my family that I was going to study for my learners permit (which I think was a mistake as they keep asking how the studying is going) I thought it would motivate me to study, but its just making me feel bad as its just another thing Ive thought about doing and not followed through with due to lack of whatever.

Is this due to being Bipolar? do I need to push myself more? if this IS due to Bipolar, does anyone have ideas of ways for me to cope?

Thankyou

Giving My Mind A Holiday

Standard
Giving My Mind A Holiday

Ive started on a (not so new) medication, I don’t advocate using appetite suppressants for people with eating disorders, I only use them when im in dire straits. I don’t use them to stop hunger as im never really hungry, I eat because I know I have too,  I use them (as the title says) to give my mind a holiday. My Bi-Polar meds help a lot, but with any addiction, if you slip up its so hard to get back on track, sometimes I really wish I was an alcoholic (no offense)  as at least I could live without my addiction, problem is, we cant live without food but I need to look at my binge eating as alcoholism, I cant just binge once and get back on track, you enter a downward spiral and cant get back again, so I need not to binge at all

This time will be different (im sure we have all told ourselves that a million times) im using them to learn how to eat normally, I don’t have any other choice, there aren’t many other options for me, if I cant learn to help myself, who will? no-one can, its all up to ME

Today I am thankful for: my calm mind

There is always something good in each day: the unconditional love from my dogs

Time to Live, Not Just Exist

Standard
Time to Live, Not Just Exist

I have been existing for nearly 25 years, I want to live, I want to be mindful of life, I want stop worrying about food. That is what life has become for me, was it a good day or a bad day? due to my food intake, I want it to be over, I need to learn how to eat properly, for most people its a normal thing, but for some of us its what our life has become. For me it isn’t about being skinny, Ive been like this for so long I don’t know any other way, but time to re-learn

I just want to be happy and healthy, is that too much to ask for?. Ive been recently diagnosed with OCD and Bi-Polar and I think it was the best thing to happen to me, reason being, Ive spent years suffering in silence, now the medication helps me and I don’t need to suffer as much, yes its still a daily struggle, but my mind can be calm and that is a heavenly feeling.

I’m not the type of person to whinge or complain and it doesn’t matter is no-one reads this blog, I just believe that writing will help ME