After 20+ years of failing to recover from binge eating disorder, I spent some time earlier googling what could be wrong with me, I googled food addiction, I also read food addiction blogs on here and they all described me, I even thanked a blog with a tear in my eye. I live to eat instead of eating to live
I love eating healthy but my mind is focused on sugar, cake, coca cola etc, when I will allow myself to have what I crave so much, but when I do, I just cant stop. I dont seem to be able to have it in moderation and ive been going round in circles for many years.
I now feel as though I can deal with my addiction better than ever before, I might be able to get through Christmas for the first time since ever
I know its going to just be as hard to recover but im so excited that I finally get it
Please feel free to leave your thoughts on this, I would actually appreciate it
I am thankful that Australia doesnt have Thanksgiving, the thought of having to put up with family that you cant stand is bad enough at Christmas, let alone twice in as many weeks. The same with food, its stressful enough at Christmas
Altho, I am thankful for my health, my sanity, my 5th day of recovery, my dogs etc
I would wish you all a happy thanksgiving but I think it would be best saying good luck, hope you all survive the day without too much stress
My mind is calm, the hangover headache has gone. I would feel much better if I could exercise but that is still weeks away from happening, maybe until after Christmas. This has been the longest ever break from exercise, its good for my mind also but I need to try harder to keep sane
I am very proud of myself, today I didnt give in to my OCD, I cut my dogs hair (she is a long haired Chihuahua) its summer here in Australia and she gets very hot, I had hair all over me, up my nose etc, it was driving me insane and I would usually binge when my OCD was out of control, but I didnt, I just had a shower.
Ive stopped being so obsessed with recovery and just trying to be chilled about it
You cant start the next chapter of your life if you continue to re-read the last one – Unknown
Ive been on a bender this past week and this quote has been stuck in my mind .. Im back on track today even though I have the worst bingeing hangover. I had been doing so well, im not happy with myself for not being strong enough and giving in to my addiction, its not long to Christmas, I dont want to binge this year as I have for so many many years, I want to enjoy it
This year has gone so quick and even though I have been bingeing I have done really well this year, so I cant forget that
Here we go again, im not down or depressed, even though ive been going around in circles like this for over 20 years im looking at this as a brand new journey and learn from my mistakes
I need to stop thinking about getting my life back to how it once was, im a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, anorexic, bullimic .. im finally being treated for OCD and Bipolar, im doing fine on the medication. Its time to start a new life and be the person that ive never been able to be. Ive spent so much time thinking about and trying to recover that im missing out on life, I should be enjoying finding myself, learning new things … eating healthy (getting back to exercising when my knee is better) but getting to my natural weight instead of thinking that I need to lose “X” amount of weight before I can truely be happy or be the.person that I want to be The possibilities are endless! Life is good, its us that makes it complicated Im exicted about waking up in the morning, to see what tomorrow will bring (well for a person that is on crutches for another 5 weeks, it probably wont be much lol) Its time to just be
And sometimes its one step backwards. I had my knee operation a couple of weeks ago, the surgeon ended up fixing more than he thought he could, instead of just cleaning out my knee, he could also stitch up the tears that I had, which means instead of just having a sore knee, I have to be on crutches, I thought maybe just for a couple of weeks but it will end up being 6 or 7 weeks in total. Which means no exercise 😦
Eating wise, OCD wise, Bipolar wise, I did well during and after the operation, I didnt have much anxiety due to all the changes in my life so I was happy that I was going so well in my recovery. The other night I fell over in the shower (silly me) and I hurt my shoulder, ribs etc, I was in pain, not only with my knee but my whole body. I went from “I can handle this” to ”How the hell am I going to survive another 5 weeks.” So I did what I usually do when I feel defeated, I binged, not a bad one but enough to make me feel as though I failed (I was 5 weeks binge free). Im proud to say that I didnt continue today like I would usually do, im back on track and happy about that.
I need to keep myself occupied as I tend to think about food moreso when im bored, I also need to enjoy the rest, its not something I usually do, im always on the go doing something.
Tomorrow is a week since my knee operation, still not allowed to walk on it yet, maybe another week. I honestly thought I wouldnt be able to cope post op, changes to my routine (OCD, no exercise etc) but surprisingly im doing very well. I never realised how much housework I usually do, I would get stressed out if my routine was changed, but I can happily say im having an enjoyable rest.
My hardest thing is not working out but I will eventually get back there, as long as I dont binge and eat healthy I should be fine. The highlight of my day at the moment is being able to have a shower.
This weekend its been a month since I binged, im proud of myself and ive never felt better, Recovery is possible
Ive given up pushing myself to try concentrate, im just going to enjoy life and no worry